There are parts of menopause people warn you about.
The hot flashes.
The night sweats.
The mood swings.
The changes in your body.
But nobody sat me down and said:
“Sharonda, your relationship with sex may change too.”
I wish somebody had.
Because when my desire started changing, I didn’t immediately understand what was happening. I knew the woman I had been before menopause. I knew my body. I knew my sexuality.
And then, slowly, something changed.
Before Menopause, Desire Was Just There
Before menopause, I had a very active sex life. Sex could easily be part of my week several times, and I didn’t have to think much about whether I wanted it.
I did.
Then menopause entered the room and started rearranging furniture I didn’t give it permission to touch.
At first, the changes weren’t dramatic.
Six times a week became two or three.
Then once a week.
Then there could be weeks between times when I genuinely felt sexual desire.
Eventually, there were times when I realized I was having sex more because I wanted to satisfy my partner than because I actually wanted sex myself.
That realization was difficult.
Because I started wondering:
Where did that part of me go?
The Most Confusing Part? My Body Still Worked
This is something I really want women to hear.
I didn’t necessarily have the vaginal dryness that we hear so much about with menopause.
My body could still lubricate.
Physically, my body could respond.
But mentally?
The desire wasn’t there.
That confused me because I thought those things were supposed to happen together.
I’ve since learned that sexual desire, arousal, lubrication, orgasm and sexual comfort are related, but they aren’t all the same thing. The Menopause Society describes sexual concerns in several overlapping areas, including desire, arousal, orgasm and pain.
Understanding that helped me put words around what I had experienced.
My body being capable of responding didn’t automatically mean my mind was asking for sex.
And it certainly didn’t mean I was obligated to have it.
Menopause Doesn’t Affect Every Woman the Same Way
This is another reason I want us talking about this openly.
There isn’t one menopause sex story.
Some women experience a significant decrease in desire. Some actually become more interested in sex. Others don’t notice much change at all. The Menopause Society specifically says there is no standard women have to meet when it comes to sexual activity or desire.
The U.S. Office on Women’s Health also notes that hormonal changes, vaginal discomfort, disrupted sleep and emotional changes can affect sexual interest around menopause.
Then add real life.
Work.
Stress.
Relationships.
Body changes.
Mental load.
Trying to sleep while your internal thermostat has apparently resigned from its position. 😩
It can be a lot.
And sometimes we’re blaming ourselves for something that deserves understanding instead.
I Had to Stop Measuring Myself Against the Woman I Used to Be
This became important in more than just my sex life.
Menopause changed my body.
It changed the way I had to care for myself.
It changed the way I thought about exercise, food, rest, my health and my confidence.
And eventually I realized something:
I couldn’t keep asking the woman I was becoming to behave exactly like the woman I had been.
That included sexually.
Instead of only asking:
Why don’t I want sex like I used to?
I could start asking:
What makes me feel connected now?
What makes me feel desirable?
What shuts me down?
What do I actually want?
Those are very different questions.
And then something happened that I think is incredibly important to share.
My Desire Came Back
Yes.
It came back.
And for me?
It came back even better.
I don’t say that because I want another woman to read this and think, Okay, if I wait long enough, the exact same thing will happen to me.
I can’t promise that.
Every woman’s experience is different.
I say it because I don’t want women automatically assuming that a period of low desire means that part of their lives is permanently over.
For me, it wasn’t.
My desire returned with something I didn’t have in quite the same way before:
awareness.
I understood myself better.
I understood more about what I wanted.
What I didn’t want.
What made me feel connected.
What made me feel confident.
And the difference between genuinely desiring intimacy and simply participating because it was expected.
So when I say my desire returned better, I’m not talking about keeping score or having sex a certain number of times.
I’m talking about knowing myself better.
Maybe We’re Not Losing Ourselves. Maybe We’re Learning Ourselves Again.
That idea has become part of my entire post-menopause journey.
I’m not desperately trying to recreate the woman I was at 30 or 40.
I appreciate her.
But I’m interested in this woman too.
The woman who has lived.
Learned.
Changed.
Been challenged.
Rebuilt herself.
And is still discovering things about her own body.
Sexual wellness doesn’t have an expiration date at menopause. And there isn’t a required amount of sex women have to be having to prove that we’re healthy, desirable or connected.
Your journey might look nothing like mine.
That’s okay.
But if you’re sitting somewhere quietly wondering:
Where did my desire go?
I want you to know you’re allowed to talk about it.
You’re allowed to ask questions.
You’re allowed to speak with your healthcare provider if the change bothers you.
You’re allowed to redefine intimacy.
You’re allowed to have boundaries.
You’re allowed to rediscover yourself.
And you’re allowed to enjoy the woman you’re becoming.
For me, desire went quiet.
And then it came back even better.
That became another chapter in my story.
Maybe you’re still writing yours.
Still Becoming 💜
No shame. No judgment. No pretending.
If this conversation sounds familiar, I created my new 24-page digital guide + workbook, Where Did My Desire Go? Sex, Intimacy & Menopause, to go deeper into desire, intimacy, menopause, communication, body confidence and rediscovering yourself.
Because some things women shouldn’t have to figure out alone or be too embarrassed to talk about.
Sharonda Lynn
Founder, Still Becoming Wellness
Stronger. Healthier. Happier. Still Becoming.
Always a Work in Progress.
This article shares my personal experience along with general educational information. It is not medical advice or a substitute for individualized care from a qualified healthcare professional.
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